Skudde on DeviantArthttps://www.deviantart.com/skudde/art/Need-of-Light-657000238Skudde

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Need of Light

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Finished: 12.1.2017
Paint Tool SAI

TLDR: Ow the edge depression and shit.

Long version:
If people ever asked why I haven't done any original work since a full year ago this would be the reason why. I've wanted to find a way to express some feelings but they never feel quite solid enough. My illness is very moody, so when I have the need to express I don't have the ability and when things get better I've already forgotten what the suffering was like. It's like a cruel, uncontrollable yo-yo.
So many things are good. I live in an apartment I really like with the person I hold most dear and I have both medication and a therapist to help me work on my issues. I'm in good terms with my friends and I get to see them relatively often. But still, I barely ever make it through a full day without sleep and seemingly minor drawbacks can cause a trainwreck-like chain reaction leading to weeks of misery.

Last year aggression stepped in. For the first time I knew what it's like to be blinded and paralyzed by rage - to be so angry you can't even speak. It's an abyss that looks back at you. I'm not a violent person but violent thoughts can be just as harmful to social interactions, and it's hard being the victim of people's hot cognition.
The socially acceptable reaction to anxiety is being quiet, teary and drawn back, and that makes people eager to help you. But one doesn't choose their illnesses, so although anxiety turns me into a critical, mean and intimidating explosive, I need compassion and kindness just as much as the other one.

One of the biggest losses is my sense of cool and awesome. Anytime before last year I could tell if I was physically sick by whether thinking of my OCs felt good or not, but nowadays I can't even tell. The sensation of an adrenaline rush has become alien, so it's tough to motivate myself to work on impressive artwork when I can't even tell myself if the picture is starting out well or not.
Oh well.

It's time to end this monologue session and let you guys move on with your days. I hope at least the doodle is somewhat interesting to look at.
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965x1200px 260.43 KB
© 2017 - 2024 Skudde
Comments8
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Heichukar's avatar
tosi hieno asettelu ja tunnelma tässä X-X <3 noi siivet tossa päällä on NIIN miellytttvät <3  Tää on kyl tosi upee ja niin..voimakas ;-;