Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
Never Quite There by Skudde Never Quite There by Skudde
Some things in life are simply out of your reach and you just have to accept it.

Space is scary anyway, you don't really want to go there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finished: 9.1.2016
Tools: Paint Tool SAI + Photoshop

I could say all the above is what this picture is about but the original idea and the title were born out of the frustration with my medication. I wrote a lot of things down but started having second thoughts about punlishing such personal information. However, I feel that it's important for me to share my experiences as I am surely not alone with my issues. So here goes.
I take pills for anxiety and depression and the way they work is they make me emotionally numb - slow down my chemistry. On the other hand they prevent my mood from dropping suddenly and keep me functional, but with the price of my mood not going up very easily either. The pills prevent me from overthinking by slowing down my brains, so even though it prevents anxiety from kicking in most of the time it also rids me of my ability to focus and care. It's like I'm behind glass all the time; underwater, in a dream. 

I'm an intelligent person and analyzing all the things I encounter is my life, yet now I'm unable to fall into deep thought and let my consciousness soar. My mind is trapped in this foggy prison. And like I said, I don't usually share such personal things here but I believe many others know how I feel and need to know they're not alone either. 
Taking antidepressants should not make you ashamed.
You matter. 
But what I had known even before I started my medication is that those pills aren't meant to cure anyone. They won't make you less depressed despite being called "antidepressants", and they won't just suddenly turn your self-destructive thinking into healthy kind. Psychiatrists and therapists can do that. Antidepressants only help you function so that you won't stay in stasis but instead live your life more actively, even if your emotions are numbed down.
Even if you can't really think about anything too well, clearly.
Even if everything feels distant, even if you're never quite there.

So yeah, the frustration comes from things I was able to do before even with all my issues but unable now because of the antidepressants. RP replies, literally all my creative writing and most of my worldbuilding - in complete ice. It's agonizing. Makes one wonder if I'm just meant to be ill in order to finish the work I hold dearest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aside from that, LOOK! I DID PAINT THING!
I've wanted to do proper lineless art for soooo loooong but I've never quite felt skillful enough. This time I grabbed the bull by the horns and just did it. Bird butts yayy! :D I'm really proud of the result, especially since I made the whole thing in like four sittings.

Also don't worry about me too much. I'm finally starting to find my way in life and a lot of good things are coming my way. : P It's just that there is no way I'll ignore the negative things in life for the sake of happiness. I'd rather be observant and realistic than purely optimistic.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconsoniacs:
soniacs Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2016
I absolutely love this one and Cliff Watcher.
Reply
:iconskudde:
Skudde Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2016   General Artist
I should probably do more painterly scenery work then :3
Reply
:iconsoniacs:
soniacs Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2016
Please do!
Reply
:iconsoniacs:
soniacs Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2016
Hi Outi!  Arnel and I are enjoying viewing your work.  It is AMAZING!
Reply
:iconskudde:
Skudde Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2016   General Artist
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconkajat-kay:
kajat-kay Featured By Owner May 17, 2016  Student Artist
Oooo this has such a wonderful background and details of the bird. I love it absolutely!
Reply
:iconskudde:
Skudde Featured By Owner May 18, 2016   General Artist
Thank you so much! :3
Reply
:iconschmengee:
Schmengee Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
This is beautiful!
Reply
:iconskudde:
Skudde Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2016   General Artist
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconschmengee:
Schmengee Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem!
Reply
:iconlolita-artz:
Lolita-Artz Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Excellent by KmyGraphic i featured your amazing work here :) features of the week and more! Hello Kitty Icon _Hearts_ by Maruii  
Reply
:iconskudde:
Skudde Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2016   General Artist
Thank you so much! :)
Reply
:iconlolita-artz:
Lolita-Artz Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
you are welcome^^
Reply
:iconheichukar:
Heichukar Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2016   Digital Artist
BIRB!!! AIVANIHANA kuvakulma ja tosi nätit värit! ihan mielettömän upea ;o; noi siivet ja toi pyrstö miten se taittuu lennossa et näkyy yläpinnalle ja alapinnalle, woah! tosi hienoa työtä <3 *ihailee*
Reply
:iconskudde:
Skudde Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2016   General Artist
Hohh, kiitos kiitos~ 
Reply
:iconheichukar:
Heichukar Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2016   Digital Artist
eipä kestä <3
Reply
:iconflammenfeder:
Flammenfeder Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
This is wonderful! (Well, the picture I mean.) I really like the colours and the flow in it. Also, I've never before seen such an amazing bird butt :D

I can't imagine how you feel right now, but that frustration alone must be awful. I wish for you to get better soon :hug:
Reply
:iconskudde:
Skudde Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2016   General Artist
Well thank you! :aww: It indeed is an unusually good bird butt. Thanks for your encouragement as well. :)
Reply
:icondragoliz:
Dragoliz Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2016  Student Interface Designer
This is beautiful.

Yeah, I know that feeling, less misery at the price of less happiness, I've had to make that trade so often, I have no choice.
I have chronic pain conditions. They will never be cured or even treated to the point I'm productive member of society again, of course that comes with a lot of emotional baggage in a similar vein as your's. I know I'm slowly going mad.

Sometimes I get some treatment that makes life that little bit easier, but not for a while now. Apparently my doctors expect me to 'get over it,' completely, with no medication just because I'm young and my conditions aren't terminal. I fight and fight for the smallest amount of treatment, asking for less and less. Do they enjoy my suffering? Will I give up asking? Can I handle just giving it all up? What will come of me?
Anyway, for a while now I've been suffering pretty badly from lack of motivation (no art, no poetry, barely socializing with anyone not my partner, just nothing creative) and I think its almost the worst of what I've had to deal with. Its just gone and I have no idea what to do.

I'm not trying to make you feel like you have it better or anything. I honestly don't think you do (suffering is almost completely subjective). I guess I just needed to tell someone and let you (and anyone else reading) know you're not alone. Keep fighting.
Reply
:iconskudde:
Skudde Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2016   General Artist
Thanks~ :3

I'm sorry to hear about that, it sounds horrible. I don't think there's much difference between mental and physical pain in this context - they both make us incapable of acting normally, cause stress and medicating it means everything will be numb. I don't know how they handle chronic pain in New Zealand, but it sounds like they're trying to save expenses when they tell you to just live with your pain. Life long treatment is expensive and if there's no cure in sight (aka. you won't become a "productive member of society") so to them you're a lost cause - not worth investing in. 

I mean that's dark and probably only half of the truth. What I've noticed is that when my life changes in some way I first feel lack of motivation to do art and it may last for a year or even more, but it doesn't happen because I would have lost my interest in art - it happens because I can't create the same kind of art as before. My life has changed, my art has changed.
As an example, before I loved drawing random dragons and creatures from my imagination, but these days that feels like a waste of time and I focus on designing something I have use for or having a meaning behind the artwork. I used to love lineart and colored pencils, but I feel constant push away from them and towards painting, enlargening and referencing.
Art is a form of self-expression, so naturally if you change the art you produce must change in order to feel right.

So as an advice to you I'd recommend trying something new. And I don't mean that you should push yourself to something that doesn't interest you, but just try to forget the limits you gave yourself before. Try to allow yourself to make stuff you used to avoid or dislike if you feel like you could relax by doing something like that. And if it's not art that makes you feel good, try something completely different. Swimming? Competitive video gaming? Collecting cards or merchandise of a series you like? Being the best of the best at trivia for a book or a movie you love most? 
Anything goes. 

Strength to you and I hope your situation gets better in one way or another. 
Reply
:icondragoliz:
Dragoliz Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2016  Student Interface Designer
There's nothing to be sorry about, its just how things are now. I have accepted it, though maybe not entirely.
It's not 100% negative. We have a welfare system here, so I'm not homeless or badly stressing about money. I can't say then same for a lot of the able at my age.

I had not thought about it that way before. I always figured the reluctance to treat me was because I was asking for "addictive" medicines or that they didn't believe me. But I was asking for a small dose of CODEINE, one of the only things that even touches my pain, not freaking cocaine. I thought it was strange that I have a friend who can still work and she gets codeine for simple headaches, so I believe now that its combination of the two factors I mentioned and the one you added, now. Thanks for the insight.

Unfortunately the problem doesn't lie in inspiration, there's still art I'd like to create but I'm so tired. You know that feeling, say, after work or school, where you're exhausted and just want to wind down? Its like that for me all the time. Art isn't fun anymore, its a chore.
Even responding to messages on deviantArt are tiring (hence the ridiculous delay on this message). I need to push myself sometimes though, it will be rewarding, even little things like this.

As for things to do, I do have things planned. I intend to create videos to help others learn about complicated and unusual games (or laugh at my silly deaths) I like and upload them on youtube. I also want to start a Minecraft server for my friends and family so I can stay in contact and have fun. I need money for those things though.
Thanks for the ideas, distractions are important for chronic pain sufferers.

Yeah, I hope I can keep it together. The supportive people around me seem pretty impressed by my strength but don't realise they're mainly responsible for it. Every little bit of support helps.
The consequences of being untreated are harsh on me but I'm much more concerned that the form of mental strain I'm undergoing this time 'round will end up with me assaulting someone foolish enough to provoke me (you have to be a particularly crappy person to anger me like that). When I said I was going mad I meant it in both ways. Better than constant misery like before, I guess? :/

Anyway, all the thank-yous to you. I really needed to tell someone who can relate to this problem I've been having.
Sorry for the huge wall of text. :P
Reply
:iconfluffytail-zombie:
Fluffytail-Zombie Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2016  Student Digital Artist
Noita värejä katsoessa tulee mukavan rauhallinen olo
Reply
:iconskudde:
Skudde Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2016   General Artist
:)
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×




Details

Submitted on
January 9, 2016
Image Size
671 KB
Resolution
844×951
Link
Thumb
Embed

Stats

Views
623
Favourites
92 (who?)
Comments
23
Downloads
5
×